This is so striking and makes me feel so much less alone in my feminine experiences. This totally encapsulates all of the feelings I've been having lately about mental health, femininity, and community.
oh my god?? i've always felt so alone with this idea of performing for boys and it literally made me cry to hear other women talking about it so eloquently and to know that i'm not the only one. this was truly amazing. thank you so much.
The way we look at our own experiences from the outside while also having full knowledge of the reality of it is very trippy honestly. I was 17 when I had my first crush and I remember looking at the situation and thinking about how it was almost like Sense and Sensibility and making jokes about my life being a Jane Austen novel while simultaneously feeling this intense pain and knowing that this was no great story just one girl’s stupid feelings for someone I could never be free to love. We do that with every aspect of our lives as women yet we also know how things really are even if we won’t admit it.
I was fine and vibing along and just absorbing this essay (transcript) UNTIL the “what happened to my happy girl?” line, and now I want to scream. Because whoo boy did that phrase give me flashbacks I neither want or need!
On an intellectual level I truly appreciate everything about this; on an experiential level, my life doesn’t match up with the interviewer/ee in several key ways. I’m not formally diagnosed (I don’t currently have a mental illness - emphasis on current, because life is long) and I was not forced into an early caretaker position. I’ve also never been entangled in a romantic relationship - which means there’s a whole sphere of performance I just haven’t had to suffer through, yet.
To put it bluntly I think a lot of peoples’ least healthy coping mechanisms get activated in romance; I think any and all genders involved learn to perform very specific roles, no matter how destructive, because that’s all that’s been represented via their families, communities, and the media.
Women, as y’all have mentioned, at least *know* we’re performing gender in these very specific ways. And sometimes I wonder if that’s a level of self-awareness that we’ve grown accustomed to having that men just…don’t? Aren’t expected to? Can’t understand in themselves? It’s one thing to be in pain; it’s another to be in pain and have no way to articulate it, or not know that you’re supposed to articulate it in the first place. I think men are so often in the latter position because they don’t see themselves as gendered.
the curation of this idealized presentation of yourself is in a way a self-monitoring mechanism because it forces me to become desirable, and i thought my worth was determined by the rose-colored impression i set.
literally, this felt like reading my journal yet laced with the right amount of lucidity. <3 thank you for the article recs too!
"But I realized that the solution, for me, was to not see depression as like this like external monster that was controlling my life completely separate from myself, that I couldn’t control or have responsibility over, but like you said — this is a thing that, right now, is a part of me. I can have a relationship with it, I can talk with it and figure out why it's doing the things that it's doing."
The trouble, of course, is that you don't get a vote. Depression will do to you what it chooses to do no matter how you intellectualize it. Same for all of us.
Hii so this is a really old post and I highly doubt anyone will see this but I’m feeling really conflicted so if not this works as a rant (sorry) I feel stuck in self awareness and being unsure how to move forward knowing I can’t fall into the clean girl boss category lol and like many I took part in the pain fetish and just wallowed a lot of the few friendships I had kinda just slipped away a few years ago and it’s not like I perform for men it’s kinda just myself which is entirely as selfish and I am aware a lot of it is my material conditions and all the horrible things occurring and I do know I have to take accountability and move forward and help but I feel like I’m being let out on some secret recipe from an even “higher” group of people in this article there’s a lot of mentions of working on that change putting in the work to get better forming these essential relationships that will allow you to and I’m just not sure how I’m very isolated I feel and the very few weird relationship I have Are only my sister mom and brother which I know are not enough but I feel like I’m left out from this higher thinking plane that exists that figured out how to stop performing and be there true self and become a real person that’s not “cured” but knows how to get better I know this takes time and effort and it’s this whole complicated relationship but what the hell is this relationship? how do I start? what steps do I take? I know the way I work it seems like I want a prescription plan and I kinda do I mean I know it’s not possible but I have zero clue how to move forward from what I think ( therapy isn’t really accessible) is some type of manic depression & anxiety I don’t really know ?? But what do these terms entail of and how it just fishy seem viable and I really feel I won’t make it to figure it with my own brain power. During a car ride my sister referred to me as the least narcissistic person in our family and I instantly felt guilty because I know I’m just the least hopeful and improved (she’s also constant mentioned how pessimistic I am) which is really just the most Selfish things I can be is entirely focused on my misery and I see her getting better despite her material conditions and i makes me feel better and I know she’s helping her family by improving herself and I just don’t know how to do it for myself again I feel like I’m just like you said about being able to explain (kinda giving myself too much credit) but I feel like I have a blind spot to these references of forming relationships and putting in the work onto myself and all these things feel like something that I haven’t unlocked yet and I don’t know how to
Like I know something has to be done and obviously just figuring it out isn’t enough but what does it actually mean to get better and work on your feeling how do I even start the process how do I form these relationships how do I catullly get better and no soul
Searching has Helped
Me come up with the answers myself when I really do want to Become a part of society that can help that can give
Like I think I’m smart enough to understand there is two truths but am not worthy or being looked down on with smug faces by those who managed to unlock the this third mysterious truth
I’m currently on a long road of recovery from an intense turning point in my life that happened about 4 years ago, and reading this transcript really helped me to step outside of my own self-propelling downward spiral and observe it for a moment. I feel like I’ve been too stuck inside the narrative of how this all-encompasing nihilism is the only possible outcome of living with trauma in a capitalist society, and I thank you for telling me otherwise!! 💘💘💘
This is so striking and makes me feel so much less alone in my feminine experiences. This totally encapsulates all of the feelings I've been having lately about mental health, femininity, and community.
oh my god?? i've always felt so alone with this idea of performing for boys and it literally made me cry to hear other women talking about it so eloquently and to know that i'm not the only one. this was truly amazing. thank you so much.
The way we look at our own experiences from the outside while also having full knowledge of the reality of it is very trippy honestly. I was 17 when I had my first crush and I remember looking at the situation and thinking about how it was almost like Sense and Sensibility and making jokes about my life being a Jane Austen novel while simultaneously feeling this intense pain and knowing that this was no great story just one girl’s stupid feelings for someone I could never be free to love. We do that with every aspect of our lives as women yet we also know how things really are even if we won’t admit it.
coming out of my solipsistic cave and i’m feeling just fine* gotta gotta get down bc i want it all**
*: seen, heard, understood, etc
**: a full, rounded life
y’all have been a huge parasocial part of my recovery process, and for that i’m so, so thankful!!
I was fine and vibing along and just absorbing this essay (transcript) UNTIL the “what happened to my happy girl?” line, and now I want to scream. Because whoo boy did that phrase give me flashbacks I neither want or need!
On an intellectual level I truly appreciate everything about this; on an experiential level, my life doesn’t match up with the interviewer/ee in several key ways. I’m not formally diagnosed (I don’t currently have a mental illness - emphasis on current, because life is long) and I was not forced into an early caretaker position. I’ve also never been entangled in a romantic relationship - which means there’s a whole sphere of performance I just haven’t had to suffer through, yet.
To put it bluntly I think a lot of peoples’ least healthy coping mechanisms get activated in romance; I think any and all genders involved learn to perform very specific roles, no matter how destructive, because that’s all that’s been represented via their families, communities, and the media.
Women, as y’all have mentioned, at least *know* we’re performing gender in these very specific ways. And sometimes I wonder if that’s a level of self-awareness that we’ve grown accustomed to having that men just…don’t? Aren’t expected to? Can’t understand in themselves? It’s one thing to be in pain; it’s another to be in pain and have no way to articulate it, or not know that you’re supposed to articulate it in the first place. I think men are so often in the latter position because they don’t see themselves as gendered.
Anyway, we stan 2 internet queens.
ugh i love this. performing for men becomes such an isolating experience esp when ur a lesbian going through really bad comphet
the curation of this idealized presentation of yourself is in a way a self-monitoring mechanism because it forces me to become desirable, and i thought my worth was determined by the rose-colored impression i set.
literally, this felt like reading my journal yet laced with the right amount of lucidity. <3 thank you for the article recs too!
I think you both would really enjoy reading adrienne maree brown's Pleasure Activism, if you haven't already!
This was the best thing i've read
"But I realized that the solution, for me, was to not see depression as like this like external monster that was controlling my life completely separate from myself, that I couldn’t control or have responsibility over, but like you said — this is a thing that, right now, is a part of me. I can have a relationship with it, I can talk with it and figure out why it's doing the things that it's doing."
The trouble, of course, is that you don't get a vote. Depression will do to you what it chooses to do no matter how you intellectualize it. Same for all of us.
This was refreshing
Hii so this is a really old post and I highly doubt anyone will see this but I’m feeling really conflicted so if not this works as a rant (sorry) I feel stuck in self awareness and being unsure how to move forward knowing I can’t fall into the clean girl boss category lol and like many I took part in the pain fetish and just wallowed a lot of the few friendships I had kinda just slipped away a few years ago and it’s not like I perform for men it’s kinda just myself which is entirely as selfish and I am aware a lot of it is my material conditions and all the horrible things occurring and I do know I have to take accountability and move forward and help but I feel like I’m being let out on some secret recipe from an even “higher” group of people in this article there’s a lot of mentions of working on that change putting in the work to get better forming these essential relationships that will allow you to and I’m just not sure how I’m very isolated I feel and the very few weird relationship I have Are only my sister mom and brother which I know are not enough but I feel like I’m left out from this higher thinking plane that exists that figured out how to stop performing and be there true self and become a real person that’s not “cured” but knows how to get better I know this takes time and effort and it’s this whole complicated relationship but what the hell is this relationship? how do I start? what steps do I take? I know the way I work it seems like I want a prescription plan and I kinda do I mean I know it’s not possible but I have zero clue how to move forward from what I think ( therapy isn’t really accessible) is some type of manic depression & anxiety I don’t really know ?? But what do these terms entail of and how it just fishy seem viable and I really feel I won’t make it to figure it with my own brain power. During a car ride my sister referred to me as the least narcissistic person in our family and I instantly felt guilty because I know I’m just the least hopeful and improved (she’s also constant mentioned how pessimistic I am) which is really just the most Selfish things I can be is entirely focused on my misery and I see her getting better despite her material conditions and i makes me feel better and I know she’s helping her family by improving herself and I just don’t know how to do it for myself again I feel like I’m just like you said about being able to explain (kinda giving myself too much credit) but I feel like I have a blind spot to these references of forming relationships and putting in the work onto myself and all these things feel like something that I haven’t unlocked yet and I don’t know how to
Like I know something has to be done and obviously just figuring it out isn’t enough but what does it actually mean to get better and work on your feeling how do I even start the process how do I form these relationships how do I catullly get better and no soul
Searching has Helped
Me come up with the answers myself when I really do want to Become a part of society that can help that can give
Like I think I’m smart enough to understand there is two truths but am not worthy or being looked down on with smug faces by those who managed to unlock the this third mysterious truth
This is incredible
This was so refreshing and palatable. Thank you for talking about this
Does anyone know the name of the podcast episode Eliza references?
Binchtopia!
I’m currently on a long road of recovery from an intense turning point in my life that happened about 4 years ago, and reading this transcript really helped me to step outside of my own self-propelling downward spiral and observe it for a moment. I feel like I’ve been too stuck inside the narrative of how this all-encompasing nihilism is the only possible outcome of living with trauma in a capitalist society, and I thank you for telling me otherwise!! 💘💘💘