This piece made me consider the way I (as someone perceived as a man) talk about an ex partner who I faced abuse from (who was a woman). Normally when talking about her to new people I don’t want to go into the specific abusive behaviour I was a victim of, so I mention her frequent cheating instead. What this essay me reflect on is that, in social settings, this usually makes it acceptable for anyone to say any nasty shit they like about her. I like to think I don’t surround myself with people itching for an excuse to hurl misogyny at women, so none of the nasty things said have ever struck me as misogynistic (though I’m not exactly a perfect misogyny detector). However, I think it’s a very valuable insight that if I mention her frequent cheating as a way to express my anger, it’s dangerously likely that I’ll end up creating a space where it’s okay to be misogynistic. If I’m not discussing her in the right group of people, it’s entirely possible that I could unwittingly create a space that feeds into this cultural phenomenon.
YES YES YES to everything and honestly this called me out too. I often find myself wanting to “punish” others for what i view as “wrong” behavior and/or ideology but we really can’t progress as a society with that belief.
ok ngl i had previously found this article unnecessary since the people involved were trivial and i hadn't seen much misogyny or harassment or sumner being "punished" as you said, but....... in light of the ned fulmer from try guys cheating revelation, i saw someone on tiktok comment "i'm just so confused as to why ned got fired but alex didn't?? they're both at fault here" which FLABBERGASTED me like it's bc she works in a corporate company and she can't be discriminated against on account of her personal life or perceived moral failings lmao?????? i was so shook i immediately ran here to your article. the misogyny and witch hunting really is real no matter how trivial the internet drama. wow.
Amazing article - as always! Also note how when a man does something wrong its pointed out in a way that highlights his humanity and how “we shouldnt be too hard on him ‘cause what do you expect he’s a man”. Case and point: i recently came across a tiktok on my foryou page of busy philips talking about the abuse she suffered at the hands of james franco on the set of freaks and geeks and how they talked it over at some point later on and now they’re good. I thought this tiktok was basically in defense of her and how this man who wasnt really held accountable at the time for how he behaved, realising only too late what he had done. But nope i was wrong. It was one of those apologist stan accounts that had uploaded the video as evidence that we should forgive the abuser cause if the abused has moved on why cant public opinion? Anyway it reminded me of how desperate i felt reading all the comments in support of that sentiment...
sometimes it feels like the merry go round is spinning so so so so fast it's going to lunge into outer space before anyone even gets close to the edge to get off
As a child I never quite understood the “Holy Ghost” fire that was lit under some church goers. But I knew It felt special to witness. The type of boil in their body that causes one to fling their limbs and shout their praises. I realize now that it was the physical manifestation of them feeling seen and met where they where. (That is when it was not the product of a slow and methodical emotional abuse tactic that the church often leans into.) What I am trying to say is that is the feeling I get when I read your work. I find my self clapping, and humming my approval. Punctuating every sentence with “Amen” and “louder for the people in the back” I no longer attend church but your writing and conviction reminds me of the warmest feelings I got when I did go.
It seems we live in a society that can only begin to love a woman when she’s been fully beaten, degraded, humiliated into the ground
This piece made me consider the way I (as someone perceived as a man) talk about an ex partner who I faced abuse from (who was a woman). Normally when talking about her to new people I don’t want to go into the specific abusive behaviour I was a victim of, so I mention her frequent cheating instead. What this essay me reflect on is that, in social settings, this usually makes it acceptable for anyone to say any nasty shit they like about her. I like to think I don’t surround myself with people itching for an excuse to hurl misogyny at women, so none of the nasty things said have ever struck me as misogynistic (though I’m not exactly a perfect misogyny detector). However, I think it’s a very valuable insight that if I mention her frequent cheating as a way to express my anger, it’s dangerously likely that I’ll end up creating a space where it’s okay to be misogynistic. If I’m not discussing her in the right group of people, it’s entirely possible that I could unwittingly create a space that feeds into this cultural phenomenon.
YES YES YES to everything and honestly this called me out too. I often find myself wanting to “punish” others for what i view as “wrong” behavior and/or ideology but we really can’t progress as a society with that belief.
ok ngl i had previously found this article unnecessary since the people involved were trivial and i hadn't seen much misogyny or harassment or sumner being "punished" as you said, but....... in light of the ned fulmer from try guys cheating revelation, i saw someone on tiktok comment "i'm just so confused as to why ned got fired but alex didn't?? they're both at fault here" which FLABBERGASTED me like it's bc she works in a corporate company and she can't be discriminated against on account of her personal life or perceived moral failings lmao?????? i was so shook i immediately ran here to your article. the misogyny and witch hunting really is real no matter how trivial the internet drama. wow.
So well written, I hope that others can read this and understand the weight of your words in their entirety.
Amazing article - as always! Also note how when a man does something wrong its pointed out in a way that highlights his humanity and how “we shouldnt be too hard on him ‘cause what do you expect he’s a man”. Case and point: i recently came across a tiktok on my foryou page of busy philips talking about the abuse she suffered at the hands of james franco on the set of freaks and geeks and how they talked it over at some point later on and now they’re good. I thought this tiktok was basically in defense of her and how this man who wasnt really held accountable at the time for how he behaved, realising only too late what he had done. But nope i was wrong. It was one of those apologist stan accounts that had uploaded the video as evidence that we should forgive the abuser cause if the abused has moved on why cant public opinion? Anyway it reminded me of how desperate i felt reading all the comments in support of that sentiment...
sometimes it feels like the merry go round is spinning so so so so fast it's going to lunge into outer space before anyone even gets close to the edge to get off
another great essay, thank you
As a child I never quite understood the “Holy Ghost” fire that was lit under some church goers. But I knew It felt special to witness. The type of boil in their body that causes one to fling their limbs and shout their praises. I realize now that it was the physical manifestation of them feeling seen and met where they where. (That is when it was not the product of a slow and methodical emotional abuse tactic that the church often leans into.) What I am trying to say is that is the feeling I get when I read your work. I find my self clapping, and humming my approval. Punctuating every sentence with “Amen” and “louder for the people in the back” I no longer attend church but your writing and conviction reminds me of the warmest feelings I got when I did go.