Mistake list ended me. Just ripping yourself apart 🙃 I think it's interesting how the phenomenon of religious guilt throughout the centuries has generally concerned illicit acts and taboo desires - feeling spiritually crushed because you did or pursued the wrong thing. Meanwhile, the ethos of our time shames us for inaction and passivity, and exerts a constant implicit pressure to do and desire more. Reading this made me think about how these value systems have been colliding, and how this collision creates a terrible synthesis in a certain type of mind; where a LACK of action is experienced with the boiling acute metaphysical shame of committing a grievous sin. Soon there's no difference between doing bad things to people and not doing enough good for people; exhaustion and avoidance become irredeemable evils.
Thinking about your recent essay about the limitedness of empathy too, and how social technology creates conditions where caring-about-people is something you can theoretically do 24/7. There's always a friend feeling lonely, always a kind stranger to message back, always some unmet communicative obligation - an infinite ceiling on the goodwill you owe to others. And when you inevitably can't keep up, the nonstop social conveyor belt becomes a sandpaper treadmill that skins you with guilt while you're down. Hahaha
Something I try to tell myself is that the good aspects of me necessarily entail lapses and failures. The rapid depletion of my social battery is partially an effect of trying to be an attentive listener; my long periods of desolation and distance are related to a particular cognitive style which sometimes provides helpful insights. Can be a cathartic thought: your flaws are the price of your gifts, and your loved ones know what they're getting into and see you as worth it anyways. One person's burden is another person's bargain or something like that, idk.
James Baldwin: “You must understand that your pain is trivial except insofar as you can use it to connect with other people’s pain; and insofar as you can do that with your pain, you can be released from it, and then hopefully it works the other way around too; insofar as I can tell you what it is to suffer, perhaps I can help you to suffer less.”
I've always found the shame of making mistakes such a lonely experience, how beautiful to find closeness in mistakes rather than isolation. Love your work <3
Also, I have a theory that estrogen causes nightmares, switching birth control made mine go away almost completely.
It’s so refreshing to read such similar pains. Sadness is much more boring than you hope it would be. And self destruction too. Your writing has inspired me to try again at picking my like back up
Thank you for writing this Rayne… it’s hard not to self destruct because of the shame and get lost in the romance of the shame and then shame spiral about that, you’re truly a breath of fresh air & a reminder it can all be okay
As a girl who made seriously horrible insane mistakes that affected the trajectory of her life this year, it means twice more than you already believe it does to bear witness to your confessions, to share in your pain and find comfort in your cruelly optimistic endlessly raw writing. Thank you Girl who is going to be okay for showing me I, too am a Girl who will be okay.
"At risk of being dramatic, I think I’m starting to understand (for real this time) how much effort it takes to live — how many generally happy people did not arrive at stability by luck or coincidence but clawed their way there, slowly and painfully, kicking and screaming in boring, embarrassing pursuit of an incrementally better life."
oh you hit the nail on the head in such a devastating way, it scares me that I sometimes don't think I have the tenacity to do the clawing and kicking and screaming
hell yeah, Rayne. This inspired me to listen to the Fairytale of New York and sob. I always look at the world a little differently after I read your work <3
wow, I loved this so much. thank you for writing. articles like these re instill the faith i have that a messy and imperfect and mistake ridden life is better than no life. and that actually, there is something kind of beautiful in a mistake-ful life. sorry to get deep, but, true. from a fellow darkness feeler
Reading your words in the first section about redemption genuinely made me think and appreciate religion in a newfound way. It’s not that we are irredeemable as so many religious institutions like to preach, it’s that through the effort of loving and appreciating beauty, we become better equipped for redemption; or as Mary Oliver put it, “you only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.” In her life affirming poem “Wild Geese”. Thank you for-once again-sharing your words that feel so nuanced and beautiful.
Mistake list ended me. Just ripping yourself apart 🙃 I think it's interesting how the phenomenon of religious guilt throughout the centuries has generally concerned illicit acts and taboo desires - feeling spiritually crushed because you did or pursued the wrong thing. Meanwhile, the ethos of our time shames us for inaction and passivity, and exerts a constant implicit pressure to do and desire more. Reading this made me think about how these value systems have been colliding, and how this collision creates a terrible synthesis in a certain type of mind; where a LACK of action is experienced with the boiling acute metaphysical shame of committing a grievous sin. Soon there's no difference between doing bad things to people and not doing enough good for people; exhaustion and avoidance become irredeemable evils.
Thinking about your recent essay about the limitedness of empathy too, and how social technology creates conditions where caring-about-people is something you can theoretically do 24/7. There's always a friend feeling lonely, always a kind stranger to message back, always some unmet communicative obligation - an infinite ceiling on the goodwill you owe to others. And when you inevitably can't keep up, the nonstop social conveyor belt becomes a sandpaper treadmill that skins you with guilt while you're down. Hahaha
Something I try to tell myself is that the good aspects of me necessarily entail lapses and failures. The rapid depletion of my social battery is partially an effect of trying to be an attentive listener; my long periods of desolation and distance are related to a particular cognitive style which sometimes provides helpful insights. Can be a cathartic thought: your flaws are the price of your gifts, and your loved ones know what they're getting into and see you as worth it anyways. One person's burden is another person's bargain or something like that, idk.
James Baldwin: “You must understand that your pain is trivial except insofar as you can use it to connect with other people’s pain; and insofar as you can do that with your pain, you can be released from it, and then hopefully it works the other way around too; insofar as I can tell you what it is to suffer, perhaps I can help you to suffer less.”
Extremely, impossibly well-written!
thank you <333
Yep!
I've always found the shame of making mistakes such a lonely experience, how beautiful to find closeness in mistakes rather than isolation. Love your work <3
Also, I have a theory that estrogen causes nightmares, switching birth control made mine go away almost completely.
It’s so refreshing to read such similar pains. Sadness is much more boring than you hope it would be. And self destruction too. Your writing has inspired me to try again at picking my like back up
- from a far less eloquent 23 year old
Thank you for writing this Rayne… it’s hard not to self destruct because of the shame and get lost in the romance of the shame and then shame spiral about that, you’re truly a breath of fresh air & a reminder it can all be okay
As a girl who made seriously horrible insane mistakes that affected the trajectory of her life this year, it means twice more than you already believe it does to bear witness to your confessions, to share in your pain and find comfort in your cruelly optimistic endlessly raw writing. Thank you Girl who is going to be okay for showing me I, too am a Girl who will be okay.
"At risk of being dramatic, I think I’m starting to understand (for real this time) how much effort it takes to live — how many generally happy people did not arrive at stability by luck or coincidence but clawed their way there, slowly and painfully, kicking and screaming in boring, embarrassing pursuit of an incrementally better life."
oh you hit the nail on the head in such a devastating way, it scares me that I sometimes don't think I have the tenacity to do the clawing and kicking and screaming
Good god I needed to read this. To think, turns out I’m not the first person to make mistakes and suffer!!! news to me
hell yeah, Rayne. This inspired me to listen to the Fairytale of New York and sob. I always look at the world a little differently after I read your work <3
gasped at the same contacts for 8 months
I just got new ones last week!!!! change is possible!!!
proud of you! and a fan of your writing. ❤️ from estonia
I literally said loud “nooooooo” as I laughed at the absurdity of our communal mistakes because it feels like something I would do if I wore contacts
I wear daily contacts and once I ran out of my last pair so I slept with them for 2 months straight. So bad for my eyes but I relate to this so much 😭
wow, I loved this so much. thank you for writing. articles like these re instill the faith i have that a messy and imperfect and mistake ridden life is better than no life. and that actually, there is something kind of beautiful in a mistake-ful life. sorry to get deep, but, true. from a fellow darkness feeler
This was brutal and delicate and redemptive and cold and warm and true. Thank you for hitting publish.
Oh yes!!! and wonderfully honest!
Reading your words in the first section about redemption genuinely made me think and appreciate religion in a newfound way. It’s not that we are irredeemable as so many religious institutions like to preach, it’s that through the effort of loving and appreciating beauty, we become better equipped for redemption; or as Mary Oliver put it, “you only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.” In her life affirming poem “Wild Geese”. Thank you for-once again-sharing your words that feel so nuanced and beautiful.
i have fucked up pretty badly recently, can’t deliver on a contract i signed. you’re not alone rayne & neither am i.
love bright eyes. Listen to 5 dice all threes if you have not yet. They always release bangers and Conor Oberst is my favorite lyricist