submit to the internet princess advice column!

"i can fix you" says girl who finds it difficult to shower regularly

hi!! happy sunday and welcome to my first supporter-only post. first of all, thank you so much to everyone who signed on to support this substack, and to all my free subscribers too — i am sooo excited for everything we’re going to do together here :)

some housekeeping: i’m sending this email out to everyone to introduce you all to the internet princess advice column, but this post should be paywalled part-way through so that only paid subscribers have access to the submission form. hopefully. occasional posts on this column will be made public, but only subscribers can see the majority of the posts and submit their questions to be answered. to subscribe for $5/mo (in canadian dollars, so all you americans are catching a bargain!), click here or keep reading!

of all the features i’m rolling out for my subscribers, i am perhaps most excited about the advice column. the questions i’ve received over email and dm from you guys over the past few months are fascinating, hilarious, and thought-provoking without fail, and i can’t wait to platform these discussions on here. when submitting to this column, your questions can be personal (relationship drama, homosexuality, existential dread, etc), but don’t be afraid to ask about other stuff, too; pop culture, current events, questions about MY experiences, and pretty much everything else are all on the table. full details are in the anonymous form linked a few paragraphs down.

the problem that i’ve always had with advice columns is that usually the people who are hired to write them seem like they pretty much have their life together. as a deeply non-functional woman, i refuse to listen to the preaching of people who don’t have trouble showering or doing laundry or maintaining healthy relationships — who the fuck are they to be giving me advice! we are operating on entirely different playing fields!

so here is the promise i’m attaching to this column: while i may not be able to fix any of your problems, i will almost always be able to talk about them. my entire life has basically been a montage of so many catastrophic mistakes, life-shattering errors, and erratic behavioural responses that i’ve actually learned a lot about how to live on through it all (and how to be less terrible even when your brain doesn’t work). so basically take everything i say with a grain of salt but also treat it as though it’s heaven-sent gospel, please! this is advice for lobotomy bait. hope you enjoy <3

i hope this works because i still am not very good at using this website.