I am always both startled and grateful by how there is at least one observation (if not more) contained in every single essay you share that allows me to see myself or an experience I had better than before, that feels truly revelatory to the life that I've lived. Thank you for writing this, and I'm very sorry for your loss. You have my condolences.
I am 77 years old and autism spectrum disordered. From my side of the looking glass time flows only in one direction and we live only in the here and now. My father would be 115 and never forgave my mother for dying before him. I was a portrait photographer and shot Jewish Wedding and a Hillbilly weddings and I never look back in anger. We can't change what was or what is and only try to influence what can be.
This has weighing been on my mind lately too, the lineage of human history and the fallibility of trying to reckon it into understanding. This made me cry :) thank you
This essay reminded me of a John Keats quote I used to love: “Do you not see how necessary a world of pains and troubles is to school an intelligence and make it a soul?”
Beautifully said! The banality of this superficial existence gives us much pain as well as pleasure but they are truly just the wind! It is that deep, deep spiritual connection and understanding from our experiences that truly feed us and help us evolve to whom and what we truly are!
The recordings and pictures of our non returnable past may elicit and spark the truly deep part of our experiences but it is that spiritually deep energy from whatever you learned, held dear, or cherished that is imbued from that, that is the true value, most spiritually worthy and enlightenment you will always carry with you! It, in my opinion is the reason why we are here!
Yes, the reminders are nice but sometimes I think it is just a lazy way of getting back to that part of you that was so affected, instead of just pulling on those parts regularly to immerse yourself in that energy! Sometimes the world down here can pull you away from those special connections, so that they can fade a bit! But to regularly take some time to just reflect on them, as in this case, keeps her alive! And, again, as in this instance, she will be manifested to interact with her even if it’s not this realm.
And no, I’m not crazy, just know that all this around me is only a small part of existence! So much more, so much more!
I suppose the difference is in finding an explanation that blocks out the pain or finding one that helps you confront, deal with the pain. We all know (or should) that the digital solution is an example of the former that won't even work, but we could also find a substitute rationalization, perhaps even misuse a good one, to the same ends - cultural criticism could be one of many. I don't know what would be a good way for you to deal with the pain - only you can know that. But it's a good sign that you instinctively seem to know that difference.
always have to drop everything i’m doing to come and read these. so sorry for your loss ❤️ here’s to accepting unending grief AND hating on zuckerbergs.
ahhh saw you read this at the dead weight paperback event :,) was actually just talking about it this past weekend with my best friend and about how much i loved the images you presented in this universal format (social media) but in a way i’ve never seen explored before, i loved it so much at the reading and love it even more now
There really is something about the experience of grief and pain and loss bumping up against the infrastructure of a new/ish technology -- in the early 2000s I found out about a friend's death by email for the first time, and the novelty of that preoccupied me, as though there was something in it, although I was also not sure whether or not there was. I'm sure people have felt the same learning of a death by phone or telegram when those were new.
But I will say that those technologies didn't come with-- since at that time Gmail still had ads beside your email and responding to keywords in it-- ads for "funeral homes in [my dead friend's town]", which was, really something!
This piece hit particularly close to home today. My grandpa died last spring, and since then I have periodically sent emails to his account just telling him about things that have happened or that I missed him. Earlier this week I sent him another, but this time within seconds of sending it I received an automated reply saying the email could not be sent because the account was no longer active. I was so upset that I ended up crying over the loss more than I have since I held his hand for the last time. In the moment, I blamed google for the account being shut down when in reality it was probably one of my family members who did it. I woke up the next day feeling embarrassed that something so little made me that upset. Reading this piece today has helped me understand more of why I was so affected by it. I can see now that sending the emails was a way of avoiding the fact that I can never speak to him again. Of course I knew he would never read the emails, but I still felt like I was communicating with him in some way. It is difficult to process that when you lose people that you truly will never speak to them again, even though it seems like one of the most basic facts about death. The digitization of communication has allowed more people than just me to avoid this fact. I really resonated with the quote “It is through the compulsive avoidance of deepest pain, the need to deny it or suppress it or rationalize it away, that our lives become truly unbearable.” I think I have been suppressing the pain of the loss through various means, such as the email, that it has ultimately made me feel a lot worse. Thank you for helping me realize that.
I struggle with OCD, and with the impermanence of technology it has turned me into a Data hoarder.
I track my thoughts by obsessively screenshotting and tagging sources of information that serve to buffer and strengthen my internal arguments/conversations/ideas. I fear that if I don’t keep track of my mind, my thoughts will wither away - and after that happens who will I be?
Reading this was emotional, but in a strange way I felt some relief. Your ability to write about your thoughts but leave room for uncertainty and contradiction is a skill, and something I hope I can work to accept as well. Thank you for your work.
" I fear that if I don’t keep track of my mind, my thoughts will wither away - and after that happens who will I be?"
Wow -- this is a super interesting perspective. I'm sorry that this causes you anxiety, but there is something quite magical about your search to stay "permenant." Do you think this derives from a lack of recognition or feeling "seen" by others in your day to day life?
Maybe partially, but I can’t say for certain. That might be something I reflect on a bit more.
It feels closer to an uncertainty of who I really am - a rocky idea of what it means to be “yourself.” We all perform our personalities/our selves to a degree, but I’m not sure where (of if) that performance ever ends. My thoughts feel like the most concrete part of me. Thank you for the question, it was nice to have an opportunity to think about it a little deeper!
this generally is why i want to read more books and articles published pre-2000 for a while (since my day to day reading is heavily NOT this diet). just to remind myself that certain experiences and struggles transcend the current age. also, to know which experiences those are. i think it would be empowering, make me feel less doom and maybe make me feel more human - like humans across literally all of time prevailed in the face of similar lived experiences and feelings. there’s a girl from the 1800s who is probably just like me fr.
That's a gorgeous heart wrenching and deeply insightful write. The absence of those we love is an archetypal ever-present bubble of torturous emptiness that haunts. This paradox of presence through absence feels like a charged field, a pressure zone of hollowness where memory and longing collide. Tears Internet Princess - tears.
I’ve been dwelling on similar concepts quite a bit lately. Mourning and grief, carrying on despite the inevitability of loss, these are the problems of consciousness humans are meant to be working through. Political concerns are where the majority of our focus should be - everyone deserves to be housed and fed and a meaningful say in the labor they provide - but there will still be heaps of psychic pain left to cope with and endure.
I am always both startled and grateful by how there is at least one observation (if not more) contained in every single essay you share that allows me to see myself or an experience I had better than before, that feels truly revelatory to the life that I've lived. Thank you for writing this, and I'm very sorry for your loss. You have my condolences.
I am 77 years old and autism spectrum disordered. From my side of the looking glass time flows only in one direction and we live only in the here and now. My father would be 115 and never forgave my mother for dying before him. I was a portrait photographer and shot Jewish Wedding and a Hillbilly weddings and I never look back in anger. We can't change what was or what is and only try to influence what can be.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=85BvT5X6WSo&list=RD85BvT5X6WSo&start_radio=1
This has weighing been on my mind lately too, the lineage of human history and the fallibility of trying to reckon it into understanding. This made me cry :) thank you
This essay reminded me of a John Keats quote I used to love: “Do you not see how necessary a world of pains and troubles is to school an intelligence and make it a soul?”
Beautifully said! The banality of this superficial existence gives us much pain as well as pleasure but they are truly just the wind! It is that deep, deep spiritual connection and understanding from our experiences that truly feed us and help us evolve to whom and what we truly are!
The recordings and pictures of our non returnable past may elicit and spark the truly deep part of our experiences but it is that spiritually deep energy from whatever you learned, held dear, or cherished that is imbued from that, that is the true value, most spiritually worthy and enlightenment you will always carry with you! It, in my opinion is the reason why we are here!
Yes, the reminders are nice but sometimes I think it is just a lazy way of getting back to that part of you that was so affected, instead of just pulling on those parts regularly to immerse yourself in that energy! Sometimes the world down here can pull you away from those special connections, so that they can fade a bit! But to regularly take some time to just reflect on them, as in this case, keeps her alive! And, again, as in this instance, she will be manifested to interact with her even if it’s not this realm.
And no, I’m not crazy, just know that all this around me is only a small part of existence! So much more, so much more!
I suppose the difference is in finding an explanation that blocks out the pain or finding one that helps you confront, deal with the pain. We all know (or should) that the digital solution is an example of the former that won't even work, but we could also find a substitute rationalization, perhaps even misuse a good one, to the same ends - cultural criticism could be one of many. I don't know what would be a good way for you to deal with the pain - only you can know that. But it's a good sign that you instinctively seem to know that difference.
And sometimes, the explanation is that there is no explanation. That's still an explanation. Silence can be an answer by itself.
always have to drop everything i’m doing to come and read these. so sorry for your loss ❤️ here’s to accepting unending grief AND hating on zuckerbergs.
I'm sorry for your loss. May the memories of your loved one find a way to bring you comfort.
ahhh saw you read this at the dead weight paperback event :,) was actually just talking about it this past weekend with my best friend and about how much i loved the images you presented in this universal format (social media) but in a way i’ve never seen explored before, i loved it so much at the reading and love it even more now
There really is something about the experience of grief and pain and loss bumping up against the infrastructure of a new/ish technology -- in the early 2000s I found out about a friend's death by email for the first time, and the novelty of that preoccupied me, as though there was something in it, although I was also not sure whether or not there was. I'm sure people have felt the same learning of a death by phone or telegram when those were new.
But I will say that those technologies didn't come with-- since at that time Gmail still had ads beside your email and responding to keywords in it-- ads for "funeral homes in [my dead friend's town]", which was, really something!
This piece hit particularly close to home today. My grandpa died last spring, and since then I have periodically sent emails to his account just telling him about things that have happened or that I missed him. Earlier this week I sent him another, but this time within seconds of sending it I received an automated reply saying the email could not be sent because the account was no longer active. I was so upset that I ended up crying over the loss more than I have since I held his hand for the last time. In the moment, I blamed google for the account being shut down when in reality it was probably one of my family members who did it. I woke up the next day feeling embarrassed that something so little made me that upset. Reading this piece today has helped me understand more of why I was so affected by it. I can see now that sending the emails was a way of avoiding the fact that I can never speak to him again. Of course I knew he would never read the emails, but I still felt like I was communicating with him in some way. It is difficult to process that when you lose people that you truly will never speak to them again, even though it seems like one of the most basic facts about death. The digitization of communication has allowed more people than just me to avoid this fact. I really resonated with the quote “It is through the compulsive avoidance of deepest pain, the need to deny it or suppress it or rationalize it away, that our lives become truly unbearable.” I think I have been suppressing the pain of the loss through various means, such as the email, that it has ultimately made me feel a lot worse. Thank you for helping me realize that.
I struggle with OCD, and with the impermanence of technology it has turned me into a Data hoarder.
I track my thoughts by obsessively screenshotting and tagging sources of information that serve to buffer and strengthen my internal arguments/conversations/ideas. I fear that if I don’t keep track of my mind, my thoughts will wither away - and after that happens who will I be?
Reading this was emotional, but in a strange way I felt some relief. Your ability to write about your thoughts but leave room for uncertainty and contradiction is a skill, and something I hope I can work to accept as well. Thank you for your work.
" I fear that if I don’t keep track of my mind, my thoughts will wither away - and after that happens who will I be?"
Wow -- this is a super interesting perspective. I'm sorry that this causes you anxiety, but there is something quite magical about your search to stay "permenant." Do you think this derives from a lack of recognition or feeling "seen" by others in your day to day life?
Maybe partially, but I can’t say for certain. That might be something I reflect on a bit more.
It feels closer to an uncertainty of who I really am - a rocky idea of what it means to be “yourself.” We all perform our personalities/our selves to a degree, but I’m not sure where (of if) that performance ever ends. My thoughts feel like the most concrete part of me. Thank you for the question, it was nice to have an opportunity to think about it a little deeper!
this generally is why i want to read more books and articles published pre-2000 for a while (since my day to day reading is heavily NOT this diet). just to remind myself that certain experiences and struggles transcend the current age. also, to know which experiences those are. i think it would be empowering, make me feel less doom and maybe make me feel more human - like humans across literally all of time prevailed in the face of similar lived experiences and feelings. there’s a girl from the 1800s who is probably just like me fr.
That's a gorgeous heart wrenching and deeply insightful write. The absence of those we love is an archetypal ever-present bubble of torturous emptiness that haunts. This paradox of presence through absence feels like a charged field, a pressure zone of hollowness where memory and longing collide. Tears Internet Princess - tears.
this was so well written and not what i expected. death is so strange and i never expected it from a digital angle. thank you for this
a little off the point of your essay but i think this article is worth a read. https://www.marxists.org/archive/bordiga/works/1961/janitzio.htm
also you write brilliantly.
I’ve been dwelling on similar concepts quite a bit lately. Mourning and grief, carrying on despite the inevitability of loss, these are the problems of consciousness humans are meant to be working through. Political concerns are where the majority of our focus should be - everyone deserves to be housed and fed and a meaningful say in the labor they provide - but there will still be heaps of psychic pain left to cope with and endure.